As I described in my last post, I’ve been given a spiritual prohibition against masturbation by my principle patron, Marbas. This is the second time he’s made this request. The first time, I had an unfortunate failure of willpower and gave into the impulse. That resulted in a lengthy period of near impotence, which I felt was certainly Marbas’ punishment.
Beyond this instance, I have a long fascination with male enforced chastity, including the purchase of several chastity devices. I wore one for 83 days, so I was no stranger to orgasm denial, which I suppose fed into why Marbas chose to punishment me. Obviously, I had some skills at self-denial, so why did I give in so readily after the first time he made the requirement? I deserved it. So, I abode it as well as possible.
Now, Marbas has made the requirement again, so I know what I have to do. I am the “Beast of Marbas” and have dedicated myself to aligning with his will. I will fulfill the requirement and stop all efforts to get myself off alone.
Addictions
A long time ago, I had a primary relationship that ended. The split was amicable, but it was still devastating. I did a lot soul-searching and one reason the relationship failed was my partner’s and my sexual incompatibility. I increasingly needed to explore my BDSM nature, but that wasn’t happening. I resorted to an obvious sexual outlet: fapping to porn.
Like a lot of addictive behaviors, they are birthed in coping mechanisms that get way, way out of hand.
Post-break-up, after some therapy, and spiritual development, I realized that I used fapping to avoid emotional vulnerability and the possibility of rejection. When I fapped, I turned inward to my detriment.
Having realized the problem, I managed to get myself to a balanced fapping practice. I dated and had new primary relationships. I explored my BDSM. Eventually, I drifted into Satanism and then evolved into Theistic Luciferianism. I kept that balance of my sexual practices.
Part of what helped me get to and maintain that balance was to treat my fapping as if it were an addiction. At first, I went all in on the addiction definition and was convinced I was an addict. But, over time in 12-Step groups, hearing the experiences of other men, I realized that my habit of fapping didn’t quite rise to the level of “addiction,” but that it certainly could given time to grow worse. The skills I learned during that time accounted for the spiritual development and the self-knowledge I had gained.
Α Ω Σ
As I explored my fetishes, I landed the the desire to be Livestock and started to pursue it. About this time, I started my Theistic Luciferian practice and dedicated myself to my patron, Marbas. I engaged Marbas to help me become a “muscle fuckbeast,” and he responded. My dedication to Marbas helped fuel my building of a muscle body (still in progress).
As part of being Livestock and as a manifestation of my submissive nature, there’s a certain “lack of control” of my own sexual activity that is accepted. It’s service work to please other men sexually, whether giving or receiving, but I shouldn’t strive to get off on my own because it’s wasteful. Also, because it activates the fapping issues I had before where I turn inward and become self-centered and useless to others.
This is all a circuitous way to explain that Marbas’ rule does not come to me as a terrible prohibition, but instead as a challenge to altering my behavior to become what I’d like to become. When I invoked Belial, the idea of fixing persistent, past issues came into play as well, so this issue has come to the fore. My continued ascension apparently relies of resolving this issue.
But how? I haven’t had a ton of success in the long term stopping fapping, even when Marbas himself levied the requirement the first time. Needing a new strategy, I consulted with my mentor, Jack Drago, and we settled on a 12-Step approach since he and I both have knowledge and experience with that technique.
First Step
Drago tasked me to explore the relationship between masturbation and my intrinsic power and look for ways that it saps my power. Also, to explore how and why there is a power imbalance between myself and fapping.
Libido and Masculinity Drain
Alpha men are portrayed as the pinnacle of masculinity, with powerful, athletic bodies and an active, “always ready” sex drive. They are portrayed as insatiable, rough, and sexually selfish, getting what they need through the bodies of those they fuck. When I say “portrayed,” I mean largely in fantasy, erotica, and porn and I mean largely that these are the ideas in my head, less so in reality.
Part of being Livestock is this mythology of being an Alpha male whose masculinity has been subverted and is in service to other men. Having the Alpha male body and the sex drive are part of the mythology.
Yet, whenever I masturbate, it relieves pressure (obviously). It relieves the need to perform for anyone. It relieves the need to care about the needs of others. It relieves the need to even seek out other humans and to engage them sexually. For me, fapping represents a callous use of my energy, a wasteful expulsion of my energy, and a squandering of my Alpha-ness.
Post fapping, I feel okay, but my drives are at a zero. I can’t say if this pathology happens to every man who faps. I doubt it, honestly, because I’m sure many men can fap in a responsible manner. I know that I probably cannot, because of how I once used fapping as a replacement for connection with other humans and as a way to hide from rejection. In some ways, it represents my only sexual life while I was morbidly obese.
In much the same way I can no longer binge eat like I did when I was obese, I can’t fap to relieve my sexual needs, either.
Imbalance and Rejection
If I look for root causes, I can identify that I have a pathological fear of rejection of love interests based on my being gay.
In Junior High School, at the very beginning of my sexual awakening, myself and my best friend would have furtive sexual activities with hypnosis play. This is when I was 13 or 14 years old, very young, very inexperienced. We were exploring as probably most guys do at that age. As this continued and developed, I wanted more and ultimately, he did not, claiming he was straight.
On a cold Winter day, in my car, parked at my grocery store job, I sat next to him with the heater running full blast and confessed I was gay. This was the first person I came out to, but figured it was mildly obvious because we’d sucked each other’s cocks several times. He confessed he was straight and didn’t want any kind of relationship. It was a blow, but I realized it was just the way it was. I hadn’t been socialized into expecting more from the world, given my Catholic upbringing and feeling like an abomination.
Yet, later than night, he made a pass at me, tried to get me to blow him again. This was actually the devastating part, because clearly, he only wanted me for sex. Our friendship died that day and well, he was one of my only friends. He moved out of town soon thereafter.
Fear of re-experiencing this kind of rejection haunted me subconsciously for decades after that. What followed were a series of similar dating experiences that ended up with the guy ghosting me, rejecting me for religious reasons, or just generally failing to be anything other than hookups. In hindsight, I was probably attracting those kinds of men because that’s what my self-esteem thought I was worth.
Fapping relieves the risk. Fapping can be done safely, in private. Fapping does expend my male energies, but then, who cares? What else was I doing with it?
That’s how the habit became what it became. Twenty-five years of being in that mode cemented the habit and drove the imbalance higher and higher. I’ve been reversing that for about a decade and have come to the place I am now.
There is balance in my fapping practice, but there is always the risk in it getting out of hand. Moreso, with Marbas’ requirement, I am forced to wonder if there is value in being fapless. What is the lesson I’m to learn here? What are the energies I will stockpile? Who am I to become?
As part of being Livestock, I should not squander my energies on myself only. I am an Alpha male who has had his power subverted by my Patron, and this, ultimately, what I asked to become.
