During a recent astral projection, I came again to the Gateway of Belial, now fully open to a curtain of roiling, oily darkness. While I didn’t visually see Belial, I knew he was there and addressed him: “Belial! I am blocked. There is a belief that I am unworthy of power, of sex, of life, of success! Belial, you are called ‘The Unworthy!’ Help me break these chains and grow in power.”
Belial answered immediately: “Look beyond! See deeper! Outclass your critics with intelligence and action! Be serene and ruthless! BE unworthy! Your emotion belongs elsewhere, to others. Do not waste passion on infidels!“
What’s this mean? When it was spoken to me, the meaning of Belial’s words unfolded in my brain quickly, a flower given water. I understand the full meaning of his words in the same manner that I understand the simple definition of the words themselves. I’ll try to convey the meaning.
Beyond and Deeper
I am intelligent, but find myself in the service of people who are less so. I have a long-standing habit of growing frustrated with people when they do not understand what I understand, when they don’t see consequences of their actions as clearly as I see them. Constant frustration leads to anger when I passionately attempt to solve problems that seem obvious to me and thus, should be obvious to others. I waste my frustration on these conflicts.
I have to stop playing to their limited perception. Instead, I have to account for their limited perception, understand their limits, and not get stuck in that problem. I encounter a lot of this at work, but it happens with my friends and their personal issues.
I must use my intellect, my spirit, my understanding of the universe not to lead them, but to succeed despite them. I must lead myself to what I want and stop accepting the limits others passively place on me through their ignorance or their unwillingness to engage rational thought.
All of this sounds very arrogant. But, the perception of it being arrogant itself must be challenged. Is it arrogant to accept what I am — more intelligent, more spiritual, more powerful than most? I feel as if I have been denying these facts for most of my adult life, trying not to place myself above and beyond others. When I analyze this, it feels very right-hand-path (RHP) and like a by-product of my Catholicism and Wiccan training.
As a Theistic Luciferian, I stand apart from others. I delve into a darkness that most do not. I reject the herd mentality of the RHP path and the herd mentality that RHP followers bring to every aspect of their lives. Having rarely been embraced by any community, I stopped looking to be integrated. I want to see myself as I am, without arrogance and without constraints.
That is the path to power. That clear perception is how I would outclass my critics with skills, thoughts, insights that they can’t match, instead of avoiding those innovations and staying within their limits.
(Un)Worthy
In the grimoire of Belial that I read, that drew me to his gateway, he had appellations: “the Unworthy,” “Breaker of Chains,” “Worthless One,” “Without a Master.” These were drawn from different cultures that venerated (or despised) Belial. When he orders me to “BE unworthy,” especially with that emphasis, he’s telling me to embody unworthiness.
What appears to be a negative, however, is definitely a positive. To become unworthy immediate conjurs the questions of “how,” and that question leads to contemplation of systems of worth. Who decides what qualities are worthy or unworthy? Who measures them? Who labels anyone?
I believe that what Belial means here is that the systems by which I have judged myself and been judged by others are arbitrary and thus, themselves have no value. I believe he’s tell me to be unique, to become myself to a high level of ruthlessness, basically, to stop caring what someone else calls worthy or unworthy. To exist outside of the definitions, because the arbitrary rules are very much RHP-oriented and thus, can’t measure the unique qualities of those on the LHP.
When thinking about this exercise…how Marbas brought me to the Gateway of Belial as an effort to put me on the path to greater power, I understand that Belial suggests that I must transcend the definitions what I have considered worthy and unworthy.
When I think about my history…wow…it’s a lot, honestly. I see now how I have always judged myself using the tools of the RHP. I have considered myself an abomination for being gay because the Catholic Church told me so. I have considered myself a diseased pervert because the pundits in the 80s, during the AIDs crisis told me so. I have considered only mildly valuable because of having a penis because the Goddess worshiping Wiccans figured men were useful for procreation and labor, but otherwise spiritual dolts who needs women to guide them. I have considered myself empty and abandoned during my atheist days. I have considered myself toxic and emotionally stunted when my passion for my profession was more than others could handle.
I have done a lot of work judging myself and stunting my growth because of it. In all these cases, I ended on a negative judgement and worked to put myself back inside the definitions that others would have of me, ultimately, because it was more comfortable for them that I be inside those restrictions.
I think at the time, I honestly thought that doing so would lead to success. But since my radicalization into Satanism and Theistic Luciferianism, I have been waking up to the fact that existing inside those definitions leads nowhere. I’ve done it. It hasn’t worked.
Belial confirms this realization with his words. “BE unworthy,” he says, meaning just “BE” whether someone calls that unworthy or not. Someone will call it unworthy; that much can be seen in every news cast, every twitter feed, every Facebook post I see. The trick is not letting this stop me.
Next?
I’m not sure exactly what is next, or if Belial has more to teach me directly. At some point I will walk through his gateway into some kind of apotheosis with him. I know there are 8 more gateways to walk through. The next if Lucifer’s.
