Conformity Abandoned

I’ve always been attracted to the tarot and when I have complicated questions, I sometimes engage the cards to help me understand myself and situations on a subconscious, intuitive level. I did what I thought would be enough for a Step 6, but my sponsor disagreed. He gave me some advice, but it didn’t gel. So I felt blocked on performing a true Step 6. Hence, I turned to the cards. Note that I recently received the Satanic/Witch-themes tarot deck from AttendTheSabbath.com. The art is gorgeous and erotic, and it carries Satanic and witch-related themes through the artwork and the divination write-ups. I wanted to give them credit here, since I’ll be posting pics of their cards as part of explaining my reading.

The Imp’s Vessel

The card spread I chose was within the book that comes with the Sabbath deck, and is a three tiered layout. The first tier reveals the situation, the second the obstacles and/or paths outward, and the third as a final outcome.

To prepare for the reading, I first shuffled the cards. I don’t do normally shuffling techniques because I’m bad at it and it tends to damage the cards, so I laid them out in piles of six, flipping the cards of the deck into each stack. I then take each of the six stacks and randomize their direction up versus down. I combine the six piles, then I start laying out the cards again, but this time in five piles. I do the same exercise for four, three, and two piles. Then I randomly cut the deck mulitple times, taking care to randomize the amount of cards I cut at a time. I do this until I feel my energy in the cards.

I then placed the deck on my altar and, because I want this to be a formal reading, I call the elements. Calling the elements is a hold-over from my Wiccan days, but I don’t think they are out-of-place in a Luciferian practice. I asked for them to be present and to represent my emotions (water), improve my communication with spirits (air), to address my passions (fire), and to ground me to safety (earth) as I projected outward. Of course, as I did this, I filled my bull-horn chalice, lit my incense, lit my black candle, and held the stones from my earthen bowl.

I invoked Marbas and Asmodai with their enns and, in that context, told the universe who I was in relation to them and it: I am the Beast of Marbas and I am the Courtesan of Asmodai. Identifying oneself by one’s magical, craft name(s) or titles can be helpful in focusing the will. I ask for their favor in this effort.

Next, I invoke Raum. I have a complicated relationship with Raum, given his association with filth. Given his alignment with physical human filth, I tend to balk at the more involved aspects of his exaltation, as one would expect. But, having been introduced to him and having positive experiences with him viz-a-viz getting fisted and fucking/being fucked, he’s the demon I invoke for divination, which is also part of his portfolio of resonances. I ask him for a true reading and that I may understand the results.

I then flip the cards. Because this tarot deck calls out different card associations if the card is upright or reversed (most decks do, some do not), I have developed the practice of flipping the cards from bottom to top as I turn it over and set it place in the spread. This is the last bit of “randomization” I can provide to help get a true reading.

Once the cards are in place, I meditate on each card in turn, on the meaning that the card might represent being in the position in the layout it is, and I note some commonalities between the cards. Does this reading have a lot of the same suit of cards? Does it have a lot of court cards? Do the elemental meanings of the imagery oppose one another (i.e., blades for air, staffs for fire, vessels for water, disks for earth)?

The spread is a living thing and the answers to any given question or situation are deeply interconnected with your, your immediate world, and the universe at large. The locations in the spread are not distinct containers, they interact to provide a bigger picture, so the imagery on the cards likewise can interact with one another and give deeper, shades of meaning. For instance, if you reading is “water heavy,” i.e., showing a lot of cards in the suit of vessels, then look to your own emotions and hidden depths as you interpret.

So, I asked my question: How am I blocked from moving forward with my Ascension. And I flipped the cards.

Full reading with all three tiers of The Imp’s Vessel layout.

Note that, initially, I did not really understand the reading. I took the information in, meditated on the symbol and imagery, but came away with no direct understanding. I let it sit. When I talked to Jack Drago the next day, he guided me to a perspective. That perspective is what I’m writing about below, in hindsight. I point this out because often, divination (of any sort) does not produce an immediate answer, but is something one must mull over at length.

Tier 1: The Situation

Three cards revealed the situation around the blockage: X of Vessels, reversed; Lady of Staffs; VI of Vessels.

Tier 1 of The Imp’s Vessel spread: The Situation

The cards issued a warning against false friends performing shady, even criminal actions, but all the while appearing superficially to be friendly and inviting (X of Vessels). The imagery of that card shows two warlocks approaching Baphomet together, but since the card is reversed, the help they might grant one another is false or shallow.

The cards indicated that the path was before me (VI of Vessels) and that I had the will to walk it (Lady of Staffs). There are those around me who are giving me what I need, those that are rooted in nostalgia and a positive past together; yet, I have to be careful that this nostalgic feeling is true, since there are false friends in the mix.

Tier 2: Obstacles and Paths

Two cards revealed potential obstacles or paths: Warden of Staffs, reversed and VI of Disks.

Tier 2 of The Imp’s Vessel spread: Obstacles or Paths

The cards warned of drama and conflict, possibly related to my work environment, but an increase in negative energy that is unnecessary (Warden of Staffs, reversed). Yet, despite this, I will have a period of prosperity and generosity (VI of Disks). I noted the resonance between the VI of Vessels in Tier 1, indicating I would be given what I need to move forward, and the VI of Disks in Tier 2, indicating a fruition of the same thing. Both are sixes, so they connect across the suits, one speaking of emotions and intuition (Vessels) and one speaking of material gain (Disks).

Tier 3: Outcome

The card revealed the outcome of the blockage and/or of me clearing the blockage: V of Blades, reversed.

This isn’t particularly auspicious, as it indicates an empty victory. It shows a victory that is an actual victory, but that it is won through pride, and thus, not a true victory. I may gain something, but not for the right reasons and not fully, not enough to solve the problem. Will I appear to clear the blockage, only to have that be a delusion, and fall back into the same patterns over time?

I note, too, that the imagery of this card speaks to me. It’s a demon sitting on the apex of a church steeple, watching the so-called religious enter, when he can see their hypocrisy and lies.

The Meaning

When I approached the 12-step process with Jack Drago, I did so having done the process before years ago. We approached this based on my need to NoFap, per Marbas’ command, but the effort has evolved into something bigger. The obstacles and issues I had attached to my sexual expression — relying on fapping as a primary outlet — clearly was hampering my growth as a human and as a demonolator, and had roots in long-standing issues related to my body image and being damaged by toxic religious, RHP practices as a child and adolescent.

When I engaged the process, I thought I had it down. I did not — do not. My pride led to a false outcome (V of Blades), basically that I had cleared my blockage completely when I had not. I do think that I had cleared some of it, but the danger in not being complete is risking whatever blockage remaining regenerating into a problem later. So — even as the 12-step Big Blue Book says — half-measures don’t work.

Despite this negative message, it was clear that I was where I needed to be (Lady of Staffs, VI of Vessels) and that a path, with assistance, was available. I just needed to act on it, accept the right help from the right people, and execute. I think the “nostalgia” element related directly to my deep past, as nostalgia tends to do, and which echoed the sense of belonging I once felt in the Catholic Church before I woke up to its hypocrisy (V of Blades). The Church and its practitioners are the false friends and criminals shown by the cards (X of Vessels) that promised a salvation that never existed.

With these resonances with the Church, I understand that I am still caught in their web to a degree. Not completely, of course, but I carry the sense of shame, self-judgment, and a sense of literally being wrong because I don’t match up to their teachings. It’s a religious analogy of internalized homophobia. It’s something the RHP religions craft on purpose to deliberately bind their practitioners to their faith and it’s toxic to me. I have vestiges of it lurking in my psyche and I need to purge them. THAT is the issue.

Almost as strong are the lingering self-esteem issues I heap on myself through self-judgment based on my body image. Of course, this one is directly related to NoFap, because I would fap as a means to avoid rejection by others, there by rejecting myself on their behalf. I am being retooled to require outside help for sexual pleasure, and this is a good thing, despite how difficult it is day-to-day.

Also, these two issues are intertwined as my lingering RHP engrams HATE that I have kinky sex and thus, I self-judge. When I self-judge, I would regard myself as not a valuable sexual partner, and I would fap out instead of seeking community and connection with others. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle that I’ve been deconstructing for years. I think I’m getting to the last of it, now. And this is a great, difficult thing.

The Path

When I talked to Jack Drago, I asked him what I should do, as in, what literal action I should take. He told me to sacrifice my short-comings to Satan and I countered with the question: “of what value would my negative self-image and poor self-esteem be to Lucifer? How would that serve as a sacrifice of something of value?“

He responded by saying: “Oh, it’s powerful enough to affect your life, and therefore is a worthy sacrifice to the dark Lord, who can usefully curse someone else to it.“

This took me aback, as it was something I had never considered. We talked about finding what I am now and taking value in that thing, becoming the best me I can be in service to Marbas, Asmodai, and Lucifer (and their overall agenda). He told me to learn “to value the things that I excel at.”

We also discussed conformity to outside expectations and how I have done that my entire life. Worse still, I measured myself negatively against codes of behavior I don’t even endorse! Of course I would fail.

Drago said: “Because, if anything, conformity to other people’s unreasonable expectations would be a *Shame* for you, even if achieved. Esteem escaping a trap that poisons other people.“

And I have been poisoned. I am detoxing it out now. What will be left is my own code of ethics, morals, and sense of self-value, something I need to define and codify in some way.

That is the next step on the path.