As with any large spiritual change, time must be taken to synthesize the changes and weave them through your life. Surrendering to Lucifer opened me to an influx of energies, some familiar, some new and it has taken a lot to integrate these into a smooth flow. I believe that nothing comes to you unless you’re ready for it, so the act of being ready allowed these energies entrance. It doesn’t make it necessarily simple to process. I have had some trouble adapting.

Accountability and Rage

Over the four weeks, mundane things have distracted me from spiritual pursuits. We’re all reeling from the social and medical turmoils of the Summer of 2020 and August was not a good month. While I try not to complain (I’m employed, reasonably healthy, have my needs met), I can say that the isolation or quarantine began to get to me after so many month. I’m fairly introverted and have, thus, dealt with being in my apartment alone fairly well, but it gets to everyone. 

I’m grateful to be able to work from home, but as my Luciferianism took deeper root in me, the behavior of some of my co-workers began to grate against what I considered adult, accountable behavior. I found that this was an interesting side effect of deepening my faith, in that, as I struggled to find a code of ethics, morals, and behavior to replace the RHP hypocrisies that were removed by Lucifer, I began to realize how steeped my work environment remains in those same RHP behaviors. 

This generated a lot of simmering rage. I admit I have a problem with rage. I believe it’s born from so many years of friction between being gay and laboring under RHP mindsets, being drenched in RHP culture, and having RHP-based expectations foisted on me. I also think that I have a propensity toward rage and acting out what I inherited (either by Nature or Nuture) from my father (and perhaps his father). The men in my family have never been quiescent. 

So, in a Summer of outrages, the month of August was full of a steady stream of smaller outrages that can’t really be resolved by me; they must only be endured. 

Plus, after an irresponsible sexual encounter (irresponsible in these Covid-19 quarantine times), I developed a head cold and that simple ailment came with a boatload of anxiety as it developed. Had I contracted the virus? Should I get a test? Was I dying?? It all came to naught; it was a simple head cold, but that anxiety is real and sapped my forward momentum. 

Willing to be Accountable

I have read some of the NA-based literature on what Step 8 of the 12-step program entails and it comes down to being willing to be accountable for your past actions. This leads to some obvious corollary questions of what was the offense? Whom was offended or upset by your actions? By what code of ethics or morality do you judge an offense? 

As the RHP behaviors and beliefs were deconstructed from my psyche, so too were removed the RHP ethics and morality I had been ingrained with since an early age. So, in this new reality, how do I measure my past actions? 

There are no shortage of Luciferian codes of behavior, but, as a Luciferian, it seems inadequate to pick one and adhere to it wholesale without really synthesizing it for myself. I think the biggest, most fundamental Luciferian ethic is: “Think for yourself.” I just confess that I haven’t quite had the mental energy to really express the behaviors that are emerging from inside me as rules of personal conduct. I feel them rising up out of the mist of my subconscious, but they are taking form slowly.

As such, I am equally foggy about being willing to take responsibility until I understand for what I’m taking responsibility. When I look back at my Step 4 inventory, as is suggested by the literature, I see much of the resentments that plague me revolve around how I was treated by my culture and society. It’s difficult to find anyone to whom to make amends when I feel like the victim in that paradigm; they should be making amends to me. 

Contemplating this complex of behaviors though, I see how “playing the victim” leads to the rage that needs to be resolved. Whenever something happens that offends my sensibilities and which cannot be directly affected by me, I tend to slide into the behavior of taking the issue personally, as if it were directly levied against me, when, in general, this isn’t the case at all. (Is this cishet white privilege? I am beginning to self-diagnosis it as such! I feel like such a fucking Karen, sometimes.)

So, if I had to come up with two tenets of my personal Luciferianism, I’d state them as:

• Think for yourself.
• Don’t play the victim

When I think of amends? I owe myself an amends for not thinking for myself during my RHP period, but not as an apology exactly, more as a need to develop behavior that prompts me to think for myself, thereby disengaging the habits and behaviors around NOT thinking for myself. 

Not playing the victim? When I think about decades of raging against these perceived slights, I get overwhelmed at where to start. Surely, I have hurt a great many people by being angry around them and I have destroyed countless keyboards, mice, and dishes. It’s overwhelming to consider apologizing to so many people, so I still need work becoming willing to do it. 

That’s the progress so far. Clearly, I need to spend more time contemplating and meditating with the Patrons.