Relapse

After 108 days of NoFap, I relapsed. It’s hard to admit, honestly. But following the tenets of the 12-step philosophy means to engage in “ruthless honesty,” so I’m admitting the lapse. Because my pledge involved my primary patron, Marbas, I experienced both mundane and magical consequences. The lapsed happened two weeks ago and I spent a good week of that time “struck dumb,” yet still dealing with the emotional and physical impact lapse.

What Happened

I don’t want to belabor the event, really. I willfully got myself off, which was a break in my pledge to Marbas to sacrifice my self-pleasure to him. I don’t think there was an overriding reason at the time, just me not living up to what I promised. Of course, the orgasm itself was a let down; most such orgasms during chastity or NoFap are disappointing.

I immediately had the emotional let down of having failed and felt my “addiction” reasserting itself. I immediately wanted to do it again, because, what did it matter? I had already failed, so failing further seemed almost appropriate. I didn’t, of course.

The next day, I was “struck dumb.” There are a lot of memes out there about being addicted to bating, being a gooner, and getting dumber and dumber and more addled every time you goon (i.e., compulsively masturbate). I guess these are in my subconscious and on Marbas’ mind because that’s about what happened. My internal thought processes slowed down considerably, fragmented, and weren’t capable of processing complicated thoughts. Emotionally, I was a complex as ever, but intellectually, I was practically an idiot. This lasted about a solid week, and then my brain started to return to normal.

Pacts

Look, I’m no prude. I enjoy masturbation and sex as much as the next guy, but this was the valuable thing I was called on to sacrifice to receive Marbas’ help in achieving my health goals. I failed. I was punished. I accepted the punishment with as much grace as possible. Only then, when I acknowledged my fault, did my magical power begin to return to me.

Only after I apologized, saw my error, and returned to my NoFap observance did I receive the spiritual connection of Marbas again.

I’m not sure I have a huge point to make with this post, other than just checking in the fact that my lapse happened, that my punishment happened, and that you can live through both.