Whatever sobriety I had attained that made me call an end to the Quiet Crisis proved to be false; a manufacturing supply chain issue had removed the inhalants from sale and thus, I had no choice but to be sober from them. When the product returned to the shelves, my Quiet Crisis returned and raised its voice, erupting into a torrent of flame that has cracked my world.

The Facts

I went on vacation to a gay resort. Once I checked in, I consumed about 19 cans of Maxx Impact within a 24-hour period, getting beyond high. Recognizing the problem, I checked out the next day and drove home. What followed were two days of being cared for by my husband, but otherwise being completely “out of it.” It’s a week later and every day this week I have had to manage extreme equilibrium issues (literal walking became problematic without balance) and had bouts of hand tremors that made it nigh impossible to do anything. Even having these symptoms, here at home, I still huffed. Some part of my brain decided I needed more and this cemented my admission that I’m a full-addict when it comes to inhalants, i.e., I’ll use without reason or moderation for no purpose I can discern other than to feel it.

Over several days, my equilibrium is returning and my tremors are slackening, so I believe I will ultimately recover. Even so, I’m considering hitting the doctor up in case I had given myself a stroke or something. I had a therapy appointment and hit a 12-step meeting.

As expected, the Christian underpinnings of 12-Step philosophy grated heavily on my sensibilities. Beyond that, the other participant of the Alcohol Anonymous meeting I attended did not feel like kin. I turned away from that avenue and worked on connecting with The Satanic Temple’s Sober Faction, a Satanic-based substance abuse recovery program. I’m working through their material, trying to gain traction. I’ve made several journal entries to spin-up my sobriety and this morning went to a Narcotic’s Anonymous. Now…there were my kin.

The Gate

For months, I have been working through Belial’s Grimoire. The weeks of huffing derailed me at intervals, as my spiritual energy felt totally covered by the addiction and the substance itself. I have made progress, but it’s been in fits and starts and the answers and understanding are fragmented. I remember reading in the Grimoire that E.A. Koetting warned of life disruptions when the Gatekeepers are invoked. This happened to me.

While my life remains largely intact, I can’t escape the possibility that I have permanently damaged by brain or nervous system — presenting as fucked up equilibrium and hand-eye discontinuity.  It remains the fact that I might have just as easily had a stroke and died from the substance, not to mention the impaired judgement that had me driving on a major highway for three hours while impaired in the ways I described.

Any spiritual development entails levels of destruction, as old, rotted ideas must be deconstructed and washed away. One must become “worthless” by deconstructing all the rules by which you internally judge your worth. I had been working to identify and deconstruct my relationship with my parents’ socially conservative culture and their Catholic Religion for about the same year that I had been delving into inhalants. In hindsight, it cannot be coincidence these efforts began at the same time.

Now that the pyre has totally erupted and I had the bottom experience I had, complete with persistent after-effects, I feel that I’ve passed a threshold with Belial and with the efforts I have been making to deconstruct toxic concepts in my head. I feel like passing through the Gate of Belial entails more effort, but the first stage of releasing existing toxicity and malformed life goals has been completed. What I have left represents my essential self, ready to be recreated and expanded with ideals that I choose myself rather than those that were imprinted on me from outside forces.

My goal now is to capitalize on the momentum and do what’s next.