It’s been three weeks and I admit that I have been blocked in my progress. While I am willing to take accountability for righting my defects, exactly how to right them has eluded me somewhat. While I have a vague vision of establishing a code of ethics and behavior to guide my actions, preventing the defects from reasserting themselves, I have built next to nothing solid. Why? I’d like to tell you that there’s an enlightened reason or at least that a vital psychological process needed to come to fruition before I could start the work. But, I think it’s just plain avoidance. I realized, the only way to make progress breaking the blockage is, well, just to do it.
Core Behaviors
There’s a phrase that has stuck with me for a while: “We are what we do.”
I know that this a plithy thing to say and only partially true, but there’s substance there. We can think we are a certain thing, want to be a certain thing, but never actually DO the thing. The phrase came to me in regards to my BDSM pursuits and how so many boys and men considered themselves to be Doms and subs/slaves without ever actually performing in those roles.
As my magical knowledge increased, the phrase applied to that role as well. How many folks consider themselves a mage, or a druid, or a witch and barely ever actually practice magick of any kind?
When I look at my life, I want to be authentic and to embody the roles I use to tag myself.
So, when I find myself here, in this stuck spot, I realize that I have slacked on fulfilling the roles, these core ideas I have used to define myself. I haven’t been practicing magick to be a better Black Magician for Lucifer. I have been slacking on my workouts and eating plan, setting aside my drive to being the Beast of Marbas.
Lift Eat Exalt Cast Fuck Serve Repeat
Much like making a pact a demon, I needed to decided what tangible things I can do to restore my core definitions and get back to myself.
Lift, Eat (Marbas):
Paying attention to my health has been a ten-year journey for me and I’ve made a lot of positive changes toward reshaping myself. I think the length of time I’ve been pursuing workouts, eating plans, meal prep, roid pinning, etc. has led to some fatigue in the upkeep of the habits. But, I dedicate myself now to working out 5 times/week (per my coach’s designed workouts) and sticking to my macros with my eating plan at least 6 times/week.
Exalt (All Patrons):
Taking a moment to center myself and exalt my demonic patrons every morning has become a staple. Just reciting their enns at my altar and reminding myself why I exalt these particular patrons (Marbas, Asmodeus, Raum, Lucifer, Shaitan) helps ground my faith. I’m also looking for ways to weave spot exaltations into activities and habits throughout the day. I dedicate myself to having a morning exaltation once/day.
Cast (Lucifer):
Being a Black Magician is important to me. So, practicing my magick skills is paramount to expanding them. I dedicate myself to practicing intentional magick, doing a full rite, or astral projection/communication with demons at least 4 times per month.
Fuck (Asmodeus) and Service (Raum):
I’m a sexual being, a BDSM versatile player, a Courtesan of Asmodeus. While I can be versatile in regards to top/bottom, Dom/sub, I wish to serve and get pleasure out of engaging in the humility of servitude. So engaging in these types of sexual encounters routinely is necessary to keep my skills and contacts up as well. This might be simple self-training, cruising the bathhouses or video booths (very problemmatic in the days of Covid-19), or play encounters with trusted individuals. I dedicate myself to self-training, sex with others, or full BDSM scenes at least 4 times per month. (Note, that this number may increase once Covid-19 gets under control.)
Step 8 and Step 9
Regarding my being stuck on the 8th Step. The task for Step 8 is to identify the person(s) to whom amends need to be made and to become willing to make amends. I am in Step 8 because I have done this work. For this generation of inventory, the issues I identified pointed to myself as the person who needed the amends made, as opposed to an another person.
To fulfill Step 9 and make amends to myself, I believe that changing the behaviors that caused the issues to happen in the first place. I believe that refocusing on my core behaviors will do that — or at least be the first step (it’s up to my sponsor to guide me there).
