I intend for this blog to be a grimoire of sorts and an exploration of how my spirituality and sexuality intersect and enhance one another. To an outsider, the first question someone might reasonably pose is “Book of the Bull?” Why “Bull?” As my readings into mythology by Joseph Campbell relate to me, symbols often have many layers of meaning to those who use them. I want to explore the symbol of the “bull” and why it’s important.
Alpha
I first latched onto the term “bull” through its reference to large bodybuilders; this doesn’t mean guys who just work out and are fit, but referring to massive competition level bodybuilders. Sometimes it feels cliche for me, as a gay man, to be attracted to such bodybuilders or to think that it would be possible for me to attain that kind of development myself, but when I started my fitness journey 9 years ago, images of such men spurred me onward regardless if the goal was unrealistic.
Knowing that a fitness journey happens both in the body and the mind, I engaged a lot of self-help, self-exploration, and therapy practices during the start of it. While I was working on myself, relationships were discouraged, so my BDSM tendencies turned into inward to an atheistic goal of self-mastery. My fitness, sexual, and spiritual goals were all aligned and connected.
Back in the day, I lacked nuance and thus, if I were to become a “Master” of myself, I imagined myself as a fully dominant male, spurred by these images of built bodies. I imagined becoming an Alpha.
In straight BDSM circles, the term “bull” refers to the guy that cuckolded men have fuck their spouse while the he, the cuck, watches and/or is humiliated by the bull. I’m sure there are bisexual and gay variations of the same, but the bull is portrayed as being more virile and more masculine than the cuck by many degrees, to the point that the bull naturally has authority to fuck whomever he wants while the cuck must beg and/or suffer denial.
As it turned out, the aggressive alpha male persona was not something I could adopt, at least not for any length of time. My BDSM proclivities had always been geared toward my own submission to a male authority figure, much to the confusion and sometimes dismay of my therapist, who wanted me to seize my own personal power for myself.
Omega
As I explored the concepts of bulls, adopting portions of the definitions for myself, and trying to integrate the ideas as goals, I noticed that, in gay BDSM circles, the term “bull” was not used in the same manner as in straight BDSM circles.
The gay community has a history of identifying its members through animal metaphors. We all know about bears, otters, wolves, pups, etc. to the point that these terms are commonplace. Bulls are just another metaphor in the vocabulary of describing a sub-set of a sub-set. Bulls retain their muscular associations, referring to guys who are big and thick (whether or not they were jacked and cut). Sometimes bulls are associated with big cocks or big balls, but sometimes not. There’s a fetish around big bodybuilders with small cocks as well, and these men are sometimes bulls if they are also very submissive.
Either way, bulls seems to exist on the submissive side of the BDSM spectrum, whether they are bottoms, submissives, boys, or outright slaves. It’s interesting that the alpha-ness of straight BDSM bulls has been flipped in the gay BDSM community. Bulls aren’t the alphas, instead, they are fucked and endure humiliation by the so-called “real alphas.”
Extending the animal metaphor and increasing in degree as one goes down the submission spectrum, bulls are treated as livestock, huge creatures that were controlled and treated as valuable property. Some might be considered “trophy” bulls and paraded in front of other men and alphas by a Master or Dominant as a measure of that man’s authority and strength. Extending the metaphor even further into the Furry and transformation communities, gay bulls actually become animals, either as humans with animal features (horns, ears, etc.), to anthro bulls (half-man, half-bull), or as becoming complete animals.
I think that our hectic, confusing, disappointing and anxiety-ridden world drives men (all people really) to seek out the solace of a circumstance where someone else makes the decisions, someone else takes the responsibility, and someone else cares for them. In an ideal BDSM Master-slave relationship, the submissive/slave gives up power to their Master/dominant in return for that solace. I think becoming an animal would be the ultimate version of this, where one’s mind might be free from obsessive thoughts and worries.
Given my submissive nature, given my intense interest in the transformation fetish (this is an entire other post in the working, given its complexity), and my interests in bodybuilding as a means to get fit, it’s not surprising that I gravitated toward being a bull. It took place over several years and eventually wove itself into many aspects of my life. I got into the ideas of chastity and orgasm control, milking machines, and the like, to further the idea that I was property and livestock, that my semen had value so it had to be hoarded, stored up, and released only when my owner allowed it. From a spiritual standpoint, I fell into light “bull worship,” as the virility and primal masculinity of bulls was something I wanted to actualize in reality.
Sigma
For many yeas, I sought out a male authority to serve, either as Master, dominant, or daddy. At each point, I was willing to fulfill my side of the authority dynamic, flirting even with becoming a total-power exchange (TPE) slave. But it never materialized. There was a point in the process where I had to take a hard look at why it never happened and I realized that being an Omega male was not something I truly wanted.
But the gay world is polarized. If you’re not an Omega, you should be an Alpha, so I naturally tried that. But that too, was not in me, so it failed. The spiritual malaise of these contradictions and always finding myself trapped between two opposing definitions added to the “radicalization” crisis I have described in other posts, leading me toward Theistic Luciferianism.
But even with Luciferianism — wherein I was encouraged to think for myself, keep my own power, and actualize my spiritual-magical power for my own benefit — I was pushed toward one extreme. It took some time to work myself into a new space. I came across the definition of a Sigma Male and that helped me give up on the extremes.
While I did that, I concentrated on becoming a bull in reality. I focused myself on working out, eating better to fuel those body composition changes I wanted, and to generally be healthier. I meditated and used hypnosis tracks (again, this is a whole other future post). When I experimented with demonolatry, I looked for a demonic patron that could help me become what I needed and settled on President Marbas.
I’m about two years into my formal dedication to Marbas and I am still dedicated to becoming a bull. The specific goals and qualities I strive for have changed over time, but I am still looking to be a big, thick-bodied bodybuilder, to engage in ritualized chastity and orgasm control, and to serve men for their pleasure. I’m hoping that this blog can both codify my thoughts and practices for myself and to be of value to someone else who might be struggling through the same definitions and extremes I struggled to navigate.
