My last post from two week ago contained a tarot reading that pointed me to the problem I had stalling out working the steps. I had felt a blockage at Step 6, the step about being willing to surrender to my greater powers. It pointed to my ego being in the way. Turns out that surrender is a relaxing of the muscle, not a tensing of it. You can’t power your way through surrender, you have to relax into it, trust the greater powers to whom you release yourself. Over the two weeks, I practiced surrender to Marbas and Asmodeus, which brought me experiences that showed me the rewards of it. Last night, I surrendered to Satan, to the left-hand path of Theistic Luciferianism, and had a major spiritual experience. 

Impending

All day yesterday, I felt spiritually restless. During the previous week and a half, I had been practicing my idea of surrender with Marbas and Asmodeus. I altered my Step 3 prayer to include the phrasing of “surrendering to their will” and had been reciting that daily. I have stayed consistent with my NoFap (I’m on Day 70 today) and have been unable to touch my erection once it’s hard, like…literally…my hand won’t go there like there’s a forcefield around it. 

Over the week and a half, I have had sex every other day with various buddies. This, in itself, is a risk given the pandemic, but I surrendered to Marbas and the opportunities presented themselves; I trusted him to keep me medically safe. I experienced what I asked for from Asmodeus…new and different sex, porn-style sex, strange sex. During the encounters, I experienced things I hadn’t before, but I won’t go into details here. 

All of this build-up made something inevitable. I felt it coming down the path toward me. I calmly allowed it manifest without resisting it, without controlling how and when it would. I tried to release my ego to whatever would happen, standing in the knowledge I would be strong enough to handle it. 

This feels like BDSM to me. The moment a naked sub kneels before his Master or Dom and submits himself to whatever they ask is a vulnerable moment made possible by the extreme self-security of the sub in question and his trust in the Master or Dom. 

Arrival

I lay down in bed as I normally do and I began the first part of my sleep. In the middle, I half-woke feeling expansive. I was rooted in my body, but my energy filled my bedroom to the brim and pushed outward from there, as if I were astral projecting without going anywhere. I texted Drago and we had an amazing discussion. I surrendered. Over and over, I surrendered to the path I was on, to Theistic Luciferianism as a belief system, and to Lucifer himself. 

Drago walked me through a Satanic version of the Step 7 prayer and I recited it both aloud and text it back to Drago word for word. Then I felt myself enter someone and be entered by someone, as if we exchanged energy. I felt an apotheosis with a spirit more powerful than I’ve ever felt and it filled me with arousal, bliss, quietude, solemnity, and power. I thrashed around the bed, bodily shook with the intensity, and groaned in pleasure and being overwhelmed. 

I surrendered to it all without fighting it or trying to control it. 

I  have no idea how long the experience lasted, as my sense of time was off. I was half-astral, half-asleep, all empowered. Eventually, Drago told me to relax and sleep, so I did. 

This morning, I woke up, feeling both empowered and helpless at the same time. I am sure that my ability to Fap is gone forever. I can viscerally feel the uselessness of the practice. I can sense my prayers are being answered and that my being is being transformed moment by moment. 

I said my prayers this morning and felt a tremendous rush of energy at my altar. I did a spot tarot reading on my path (see details below) and proceeded to the gym for my workout, which was stronger than normal. I felt myself flexing my muscles during my rest periods and got a rush of pleasure and pride whenever I did it. 

My life has changed. My psyche has changed. The RHP blockages and hang-ups about rejection and shame are wiped away this morning. I feel clear to proceed. My prayers have been answered. 

Drago declared that this experience fulfilled my Step 7. 

Chariots

This morning, after prayers, I felt moved to do a spot Tarot reading. I believe that “we are what we do,” to an extent. If you call yourself a Theistic Luciferian, it matters that you practice the path and not just think like one. If you call yourself a sorcerer, you need to do sorcery. If you call yourself a demonolator, you need to engage with demons. Otherwise, you’re not really following the path. 

I have been very slack with my Tarot reading over the last year or so. I have about 20-something decks of various types, various art presentations, etc. Lately, I’ve been attracted to the AttendTheSabbath tarot deck. 

This was an informal, spot reading, so I basically pulled three cards with no particular meaning to the layout or pattern I pulled them in. The only question in mind was “What is in my path?” which is a vague question admittedly, but given my experience the night before, it felt appropriate to establish a new baseline. 

While praying, I invoked the demon Raum, who I have often invoked for his penchant for prophecy, and asked for him to guide my reading toward the truth. I feel he did that. 

VII The Chariot: The Witchking rides his dark stallion across the sky holding aloft the torch of enlightenment. He has the will to ride his path and to work his spells. He travels where he needs, doing what his path dictates. 

X of Staffs (Reversed): The practitioner confronts many objects, points of interest, or practices on his path and is overwhelmed by them. Reversed, he does not break away from this obsession and becomes consumed by it to his detriment. This leads to his isolation and separation. 

XII The Marked Man: Before the altar of the Devil, Lucifer, manifesting as a nobleman, wipes away the baptism of the witch who kneels before him, beckoning the initiate to proceed up the steps of the sacred space toward enlightenment, free of what held him back. 

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All of this is confirmation of my experience the night before. I have been relieved of my past, overwhelming obsessions with minutia and been de-baptised from the RHP path, permanently. This allows me to be initiated into my chosen calling, even beyond the meager goals I had before. I have been empowered and propelled forward to explore my path unhindered. Yes, there are things I have sacrificed to be here, but nothing comes without a price. This one, I am eager to pay.