Astrologically, the planet Neptune moves retrograde through the constellation of Pisces, by Sun Sign (from 6-22 to 11-28). The planet Neptune is associated with illusion and mental illness, so, with it moving retrograde, it’s power reverses. Neptune retrograde strips illusions and promotes mental health. Appearing in Pisces only lends this energy to my own current meditation on the Gateway of Belial and the darkness beyond it that belongs to me. Marbas drew me to this examination to further ascension in power and my mentor agreed that the timing played perfectly to this goal. Following 12-step methodology, a personal inventory of resentments, fears, and sexual issues would be performed in the stark reality that Neptune’s antithesis provides.
Ostensibly, the inventory would focus on my issues with fapping, as this exploration kicked off when Marbas required a stop to the practice. By making the inventory, I would examine the resentment, fear, or sexual behavior for the cause of it and, most importantly, what my part in creating the issue might be. It’s a truism that one can only really control one’s own behavior, so if there are things I do to bring about the circumstances that generate resentment, fears, and destructive behaviors, I should address those directly to alter the issues.
I created the inventory and this post attempts to summarize the issues as a testament of sorts. I feel a compulsion to put this information out to the universe as a means of being authentic and the process takes a ruthless honesty, so these goals go well together. Here’s what I learned about myself.
RHP/Roman Catholicism Is Toxic (To Me)
The Roman Catholic Faith is toxic to me. I was brought up in the religion (less so, the spirituality) and made to believe in my intrinsic worth, my innocence, and my value as a child of God. Then, when my gay self became evident, this religion did a complete turnaround and I became an abomination, intrinsically doomed to Hell.
From the inventory, I clearly saw how this rejection became the basis of my self-esteem and self-worth issues. When the literal universe stands against you, how can any sensitive, impressionable adolescent not have self-esteem issue. This root cause informed much of my life after this, especially as I struggled against the definition and sought other spiritual systems. It became the foundation on which everything had been built.
Writing this sounds trite, I know. RHP faiths are an easy target, especially to LHP practitioners and gay folk. I was never a good Catholic; I think as I started to become myself during early adolescence, I intrinsically knew I would not be accepted. As my gay identity surfaced, so too did my separation from the Church. There was no great event or trauma that happened, only a slow, painful separation that divorced me from understanding my place in the world.
Outside Looking In
As an introvert, I move on the outside of most social circles. I never fit into any clique in High School, I fell out with my primary friends, I tried to have a girlfriend and failed, and the one guy I wanted most used me for sex and denied being capable of having feelings for me. This sense of otherness and isolation became usual for me.
Throughout all of this, masturbation was my only sex life. As a kid and young man with a high libido, I had no frame of reference for sexual contact; it was all cloak and dagger maneuvers in dark places, in back allies, in the homes of much older men. Even in college, relationships with those my own age ran aground of similar issues as my own — their self-esteem imploded several.
I moved through life, unattached, unnoticed and unloved. Over time, this disassociation grew stronger and wider, and spun me wider and wider out of normal circles.
On the outside, I fell into a circle of self-loathing. I became very obese. I have worked out why with my therapist many years ago; I worked hard to “pre-reject” myself from romantic relationships by being fat. About 9 years ago, I started to resolve that issue at least, and have turned my body around.
What lingered though, was a substantial amount of rage. I suppressed it, of course, and it leaked out in appropriate ways, mostly through outbursts of anger, a deep paranoid distrust of others, and sexual tendencies which could be considered self-destructive.
Being Unworthy
In this modern moment of myself, I have self-esteem. It may not be perfect, but I have worked for about 9 years on self-exploration, self-awareness, and redirecting my energies. I have friends, who I feel I deserve. I no longer take rejection as seriously because I have a foundation of self-esteem to combat those old specters. I engage my fetishes in a safe and sane manner. I have a primary relationship. I have a faith to which I grow more connected every day.
But, the rage lingers and the self-esteem issues, while decaying, are not completely resolved. As part of this 12-step process, I am forging a connection to my faith, my “greater powers,” in an effort to resolve my worth issues. Belial tells me to “BE unworthy,” to eschew systems of measuring worth imposed from the outside and decided for myself.
As part of this 12-step process, I recognize my rage and how it drives me to reckless, self-destructive acts through impatience and impertinence. I work to become a more ruthless master of my rage and to forge it into a weapon or tool that is useful, rather than dangerous to myself.
I accept accountability and responsibility for whom I have become and work the engage that person to its fullest being. I appear to be having success, as even as I struggle to complete the inventory and write this post, blocks to my advancement in personal power dissolve and put more more in touch with my patrons than I have ever been.
