When I engage my spiritual patrons, I communicate with them via creative imagery, projecting myself to another place. With the Covid-19 crisis unfolding around Atlanta, the country, and the world, my spiritual energies have been overtaken by the bandwidth needed to process the stress of daily life. I haven’t had as much spirit time as normal lately.
Prayers
Nightly, as I start to fall asleep, I mentally say my prayers to Marbas, Raum, and Asmodeus (and sometimes others). It’s part of my desire to “live my faith,” so in this small way, I try to connect with them when ritual time is problematic. Last night, when I invoked Marbas, I snapped immediately to him, which is unusual.
He told me point blank, “No more masturbation.” It’s rare I get clear, concise instruction from Marbas, so I paid attention to it. Clearly, it’s an order. Try as my fevered lizard brain might, there’s not much room for misinterpretation or loop holes. I asked him “Why?” This is also an unusual thing. Marbas and I rarely have real conversations.
“Fuckbeasts fuck other people,” he told me. As abruptly as came, he left with that said. When I pray to Marbas, one of my requests is for him to reshape me into a “fuckbeast,” so Marbas is giving me what I’ve asked for. There’s just a price attached.
Outdated Defenses
Recently, I have been working with the demon Belial as a gatekeeper to personal ascension and he has shown me a glimpse through his gateway (in my pathworking, it appears as literally a giant gateway through which is a roiling, inky darkness). What he has shown me is my own lack, my own failings to live up to my potential, my own blocks toward progress.
Accepting myself as a masculine, sexual person has been a block for me. I can attribute this to the 20-something years I spent bring morbidly obese and, while I’m not in the shape I ultimately want to be in, I am making phenomenal progress changing my physical form. I think my conscious self has begun to notice the changes to a degree it can’t ignore or explain away. This has brought the issue to the fore and thus, I have begun dealing with it through “masculine conditioning” hypnosis tracks from Jack Drago.
My therapist had told me many times I should take back my power from the idea of being submissive to anyone. For reasons I didn’t understand, I always failed to do so. Belial identified this block as one of the things holding back my progress. The hypnosis tracks are thus, a means to help break it up.
The tracks are working and I have a vision in my mind over who I want to pattern myself to become, the traits and the behaviors of the masculine identity I seek to fulfill. The fact that Marbas came to me with his orders proves to me that I’m on the right path.
Masculine Subversion
Why this price? I have long thought that uniting a force with his anti-force produces that most power gained. Like matter and anti-matter combining to give off energy, uniting opposites has the greatest yield. BDSM exists on a spectrum, where having and not-having authority or agency to make decisions exists on opposite ends of a spectrum. BDSM relationships, therefore, are very powerful when they are formed correctly and have balance. Two people gain something they otherwise would sorely lack and the roles they need desperately to inhabit become balanced and sustainable.
As I grow to accept my masculinity more fully, to engage in sexual activities more brazenly and without my Catholic shame, I drift toward one end of that spectrum. The best way to “harvest” that energy is by uniting it with its opposite in some way. The prohibition against masturbation generates energy within me.
What if I can’t get off whenever I want? What if I need to seek other humans to have sex with instead of masturbating to porn? Is that not a healthier expression of my sexual drive? Getting outside of myself — forced to get outside of myself — happens to be a great answer to these questions.
In the process, my masculinity — this alpha drive to play with my cock whenever I want — gets subverted and energy is both generated and free within me to use for other tasks or for other magick.
Sex Positive
I feel it needs to be said that I am not sex negative nor do I wish to imply that masturbation could be considered a negative practice for most men. Like anything, it can be an addiction and negatively impact your lifestyle, but I don’t believe that it’s an inherently negative practice. I don’t wish to imply that I support any particular anti-masturbation movement, as I feel most of these are promulgated by socially conservative or religious institutions, which obviously, I don’t support at all.
