I have a pretty scrambled head right now. The on-going effort to comply with Marbas’ commands to NoFap are doing a number on my libido and brain chemistry. I believe it’s to good effect, as I have also found myself getting more spiritually oriented and, from the 4 Step inventory, starting to address and resolve long-seated issues that have held me back. BUT…it still a brain scramble. 

When I read in Belial: Without a Master that the author, E.A. Koetting, went through personal upheavals when he engaged Belial, I expected something to happen. Well, here it is. 

Questions in Sleep

I strongly feel that when someone has these kinds of emotional, spiritual, intellectual upheavals, it helps to engage the chaos, rather than run from it or suppress it. From years of therapy, I came to realize that a lot of my habitual issues were suppressed emotions erupting like volcanoes because I had left them no other way to vent them. So, as this upheaval began, I tried to engage it. 

I’m sitting here after days of emotional turmoil and I cannot remember what led me to Asmodai (Asmodeus). Jack Drago, my priest and mentor, has Asmodeus as a primary patron, so there’s always been a connection with him. I remember that he appeared to me in my spiritual house, the craftsman style home that represents my psyche on the astral plane, and exuded a primal lust to a degree that disrupted everyone in the house. 

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I had some emotional aftermath of that experience, and wondered why he showed up unexpectedly. I decided to do some casting to engage Asmodai and find out what was happening. 

I’m aware of a very simple ritual where someone sleeps with a sigil of a demon under their pillow to attract them into communication. So, I created a simple spell card with Asmodai’s sigil on one side and his enn on the other. I put this under my pillow and tried to be open. 

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The Palace

I dreamed. At some point, I entered the narratives of dreams and it segued into my being in a palace throne room. All the details are a bit vague from it being a dream and from what I consider casual spell casting. This “Sleeping with a Sigil” technique had been done informally, so I was getting an “informal” answer. 

Nonetheless, I face a huge Persian man on a raised throne. He sat in darkness, so his features were obscured, but I knew him to be Asmodai. He had black hair and a massive black beard, wore loose blue linen shirt open to the waist, secured by a belt, over loose blue linen pants. Around us were men of all races, all sizes, all ages, all wearing basically the same loose linen clothing. 

Asmodai and I conversed, but, while I don’t remember the play-by-play how how the conversation happened, I recorded what he said to me after awakening. He told me that I am on a path where one of my patron prepares me for the next in the chain of ascension. Given there are more gateways after Belial’s, this tracked. 

Asmodai told me that NoFap (not the words he used) would teach me control, and that eventually, I would be unable to refuse any request for sex by anyone. I asked this was considered teaching me “control,” since it seemed I would be out of my control and in everyone else’s control. 

Asmodai told me that NoFap would teach me “retention of self” amid the inability to refuse sex. The control I learned would be to keep my own sense of identity when I would be controlled by others. He told me to “Become myself. Your identity arises from the soup of your iniquities.”

Soon after this, the encounter began to fade and I started to transition away from the palace room. As my awareness moved, something else appeared in my mind. It was not a warning exactly, it was not a promise exactly, but I was told that eventually, I would be unable to orgasm ever. I would ride the edge of sexual play for all eternity, never able to shoot my load, never able to peak into bliss. Asmodai, the King of Lust and Pleasure, would keep me in a state of perpetual arousal. 

The Pipe Horse

The idea of losing my orgasm is not sitting well with my psyche. It’s tough to accept, even if it hasn’t happened yet. I can see it as unworkable and impractical a thing for me to accomplish on my own, but then, I got the impression I would be “cursed” with this inability, i.e., it would be magically enforced without my consent. Asmodai would take it from me. 

Back in the day, when I aligned with Marbas and he accepted me as his “beast,” I went through astral experiences with him over many nights. One such time was when he killed my astral form and for a time, I existed a “dead” pile of bones on his Veld. Whenever I projected astrally, I found myself still on the Veld, still a pile of bones, trapped there. Eventually, the narrative progressed and I was transformed into his beast. 

Something similar may be happening with Asmodai. Last night, when I tried to project, I found myself in Asmodai’s palace, bound to a “horse” of metal pipes and unable to move, completely immobilized. Asmodai was there, but we did not speak. I know he’s preparing me for something. Jack Drago mentions that when he officially aligned with Asmodai, he was fucked on the astral, so I’m expecting that from him. 

The fact that this preparation coincides with the finishing of my inventory for Step 4 and my impending Step 5 with my NoFap sponsor, Jack Drago, is no coincidence at all. This development happens in my cognitive space and in my spiritual space simultaneously, which can be a lot of process. 

There is more to come on this and I’ll keep the write up going.