Recent meditations on my spiritual self and on new tasks assigned to me by my patron, Marbas, led me back to imagery from an astral encounter with him from several months ago. With any growth, new information has to sink into all layers of your being, physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, to be fully assimilated. With myself, adsorption time varies with the layer. In reviewing the encounter, a powerful realization occurred and new imagery was presented that itself shocked me. 

Taken Apart

In the astral, Marbas appears to me in one of two forms. The first is an elephant-sized black lion with a crimson mane saturated with fresh, arterial blood. The second is essentially the same, although he has shrunk to be human-sized, but about seven feet tall, and reconfigured as an anthropomorphic lion in mage-like robes. He has shifted between these forms effortlessly and instantaneously in my visions, but, appears as the full lion in most of them.

During the period where I entreated Marbas to accept me as his “beast,” he surprised me by responding after many months of my requesting it. I wanted a deeper union with the supernatural. I wanted a formal Patron. I wanted to make progress magically, so the effort to bond with Marbas was sincere and deeply felt. 

As I lay in my bed, projecting astrally in a semi-dream state, Marbas surprised me by accepting my entreaty. He came closer to me suddenly and shifted to his anthro-lion form and started to work magic on me. If didn’t feel like an “attack,” but the suddenness of it made me feel vulnerable. I had given consent through the entreaty and Marbas took action. 

In the Ars Goetia, Marbas has the association of curing/causing diseases. In other sources he has been counted as an infernal physician, so there is a medical bent to the magick he worked on me. He literally took my astral body apart, biological system by biological system. He separated my skin and integument, my skeleton, my nervous system, and my circulatory system into separate floating entities. While I was disoriented by this and couldn’t move or act, it didn’t hurt. 

He laid my circulatory system on the ground and became the massive lion again. He positioned himself over me and purposely dripped blood from his mane onto my exposed heart, until my entire system was pumped full of his blood. When he was satisfied, I was snapped back into a full body and the vision ended. 

I had been accepted as his beast. 

Darkness and Rage

Since I became more practiced in my demonolatry and more accustomed to astral travel, I discovered that I am easily possessed by entities. I quickly gained a retinue of patrons and their minions around me. It’s a bigger topic, but I believe I am destined to have relationships with seven different demonic patrons. The one that has arrived most recently I have identified as Shaitan. 

Shaitan appears to me a male figure in such deep, smoky shadow that his features cannot be seen. He’s practically a shadow outline and little else, but he has definitely substance. I experience his presence whenever negative emotions are flaring in me. 

As a product of my upbringing with a father who had little control over his own anger issues, I have a lot of rage and despair in my emotional life. Whether it’s nurture or nature, I can’t say, but my rage has mirrored my father’s enough to realize I have similar issues, albeit, they manifest through a different lens. 

Shaitan assumed control of these emotions. I think he feeds on them and I’m okay with that. For a long time, I have needed a mechanism to experience these negative emotions in a constructive way rather than let them fester and rot. I have noticed that, the more I engage Shaitan consciously, the more controllable these emotions become. I’ve also noticed that Shaitan seems to be collecting them into a weapon. He’s forging a broadsword out of my rage and outrage; I see it as a part of his shadow figure now. 

Realizations

While performing Step 1 on my NoFap requirement, I recounted some origins of the behavior and re-encountered some painful memories from my adolescence. This wasn’t the first time these particular memories or their relevance has come to me, but, as I said above, I’m not sure the import of them had sunk into all layers of my being. 

In reviewing my step work with Jack Drago, some images clicked into my head. I vividly recalled being disassembled by Marbas and the image of being reduced to a circulatory system came back to mind.

In accepting the NoFap requirement from Marbas, I realized I had no choice in it. Last time I failed, I suffered a major consequence (impotence for months). If I failed again, especially given the conscious effort I levied now to enact the requirement, I had no doubt the consequences will be severe. I realized…FUCK! I was the Beast of Marbas. He owns me! 

I’m okay with this, but like most life-changing things, it took a minute for the information to be processed by my whole being and, at each new level, it snaps into place harder. I had sought union with Marbas and I’d gotten it. It has ramifications that I now much accept and enact. Okay. I can get behind this. But fuck! I am owned!

On the heels of the realization that Marbas’ blood, his energy and life-force, is coursing through every part of me down the cellular-capillary levels (in my brain! in my cock!!), another image presented itself unbidden. I saw a second circulatory system made entirely of shadow and smoke, echoing my physical one, just a hair displaced from the physical. It was Shaitan’s system. I have that running through me also. 

I realized that Shaitan had duplicated my entire system. There’s an entire shadow-me just a hair out of synch with the original. I told Drago that I was imaging my cock, black and smoky, spurting out oily cum. He saw it, too, through our mutual link. 

I don’t think either of us know what this means, yet. It’s new information and we don’t know what it means yet. I suppose it’ll have to sink through my layers until I understand it fully.